


No spoilers, not yet

by helpImlost



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Memory Magic, Ned has a bad day, One Shot, The Adventure Zone - Amnesty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 21:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15156314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helpImlost/pseuds/helpImlost
Summary: Ned stumbles upon something that he shouldn't have, though it's definitely Kirby's fault for not being careful.





	No spoilers, not yet

Ned is headed towards the Cryptonomica. He clumsily slams the door to his car shut after he finally hits the parking lot, locking it with a click to his car key and a curse on his lips before he starts power walking towards the shop. Of course the FBI agent would begin snooping around his shop after Ned had blown off the man's attempts to talk several times. Not that this wasn’t expected, but Ned had hoped the comforts of Amnesty lodge would have kept him complacent a bit longer while they dealt with more important things. Like the seemingly never ending threat of monsters. Ned hated busy days like this.

He can only hope Kirby is dumb enough that he hasn't found the ‘extended' cut yet. Moron wouldn't hesitate to show it to the agent, possibly ruining everything. Also Barkley would definitely murder Ned if that were to happen. He felt like that was the important takeaway from all of this, that no matter what he did it seems like he’ll end up punished for what the freeloading idiot did. He still isn’t sure how Kirby got hold of the tape in the first damn place.

With renewed urgency at the thought of his life getting ruined even further Ned hurries forward. He’s creating a list of potential lies and misdirections that he can use to get Agent Stern the hell away from the Cryptonomica. Preferably all the way out of Kepler, while still managing to preserve The Pineguard’s secret.

He doesn't even make it to the front door though before it opens and Mr. FBI himself walks out. They meet about halfway and Agent Stern seem more than happy to see him, which is quite the opposite of what Need feels right now.

“Heeey there Agent Stern.“ He greets in the most upbeat voice he can manage. Today had been a long day. Like, ridiculously long. Ned doesn't know how many more fake smiles he has in him if he’s going to be honest with himself, something he tried to avoid at all costs on a normal day.

Being honest never ended well for him.

“Oh, hello there Mr. Chicane! Lovely evening out isn't it?” Stern replies. Indeed the evening did seem to be quiet lovely. Ned thinks it’d be more lovely if it was even more quiet. Like if the FBI agent magically went away from here and stopped bothering him.

He's considering any number of excuses as they enter into a battle of smiles and smalltalk. That and what he's going to do with Kirby after this, the little shit was the source of this problem to begin with and Ned was getting fed up with the FBI agent and Barkley and Sylvaine and everything. If only this problem could just go away.

Except apparently this particular problem decides to do just that, completely throwing Ned off his game.

“I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?” Ned questions, letting his full focus fall back on their conversation. Did the agent really just say that. Was Ned really that lucky?

Agent Stern smiles and gives him a little laugh. “yeah, I said I'm going back to the lodge for now, wasn't much for me to do here at the moment with the Bigfoot tape and all.”

Ned blinks. “But I'm here now?” He asks in confusion. The urge to scratch his head increases though when Stern simply gives him a ‘Yeah, so?’ in reply.

“But, I thought you wanted to see the extended tape?” Ned actually kind of wants to kick himself for saying that but Agent Stern simply laughs again.

“Nah, I'm good. I’d much rather spend some more time in the hot springs. See you around Ned!”

And just like that the conversation is over and Stern walks past Ned towards his car, a skip in his step and a whistling tune on his tongue. Ned is positively befuddled at this point, finally giving into the urge to scratch his head as he watches the agent drive off. So, Agent Stern was definitely acting weird. Ned tries to resist the impulse to immediately blame something magical for that, it was becoming a bad habit of his. 

Again, not something he wants to examine too closely.

He enters the Cryptonomica, at a much slower pace now that Stern wasn't actively hounding him. He looks for Kirby and sees him by his usual spot at his desk, hunched over with some fast food laid out in front of him.

“Hey! Kirby!” He calls out as he walks towards the guy, who seems to promptly begin choking on something the second Ned called out for him. Well shit. Ned hurries over too Kirby, hitting him on the back to try and help dislodge whatever it is that’s gotten stuck in his throat. And maybe he hits Kirby a little harder than was warranted, he just hopes he doesn’t have to perform a heimlich maneuver.

Kirby has his mouth covered with his hands, coughing like crazy and Ned can see his eyes are starting to water. Shit. He might have to perform a heimlich maneuver.  
Or he could just let Kirby choke to death right there and then and never have to worry about someone bothering him at the store again.

That thought didn’t sit right with him though. He doesn’t think he’d miss kirby if the other man went away, but the store certainly would be more empty and lifeless for it. Ned quickly rids his head of that thought. He needed to get Kirby into a state that wasn’t ‘currently choking to death’.

He pulls Kirby up from the chair. As he does Kirby’s hands leave his face and reflexively grab onto Ned’s hands. A choked ”no, don’t touch-” leaving his mouth before his hands are quickly back over his mouth again. There is a panicked expression on kirby’s face. He isn’t choking anymore and Ned had let go of him quicker than lightning when he’d seen exactly what it was that kirby had gotten stuck in his throat.

He doesn’t know what in the hell Kirby had been eating when Ned walked in but it sure as shit hadn’t been fast food. Dark ooze had been dripping out of Kirby’s mouth after he’d opened it speak, sluggish enough that it didn’t make it much further than his lips when he’d shut his mouth and covered it again.

What in the actual fuck. Ned Chicane did not have to energy to deal with this. What the fuck. Was this some dumb joke by the universe. Or was it that thing like when you learn a new word and then suddenly you see it everywhere. Except instead of some dumb inconsequential word it was a whole world of magic and shit. That was very much consequential.

”Kirby. What the fuck. Please tell me that’s some edible slime with some nifty food coloring on it, that you made for some exhibit or whatever. Please tell me it’s that and not whatever is actually going on. I do not have the energy for this. Are you Sylvan?” Ned just let’s his mouth run, hoping to stall the inevitable conclusion that was on its way to deck him right in the face with a glove that had ’fuck you and fuck your life’ written on it.

”Mff-mmm.”

”Kirby I can’t hear what the hell you’re saying when you hands are covering your mouth.” Ned watches as Kirby gives pause before swallowing whatever probably super messed up shit he’d just had in his mouth. Then he goes through what looks like the five stages of grief in rapid succession. Most likely trying to find a good explanation to give Ned. But Ned really didn’t want one. This was just turning into one more thing to fuck up his everyday existence.

”Listen, Ned. I can explain, if you’d just give me a second to come up with an explanation-”

Yeah, Ned definitely didn’t want to hear any of this. He felt like this is the incident with Barkley all over again. If anything he would like to forget what had just happened for the rest of his life. Had Kirby been not human the whole time? Or maybe he was human and was just into some fucked up shit. Ned catches himself looking for any type of jewelry or accessory, he doesn’t remember ever seeing Kirby with one though and he doesn’t appear to be wearing any right now. Wait a second. Hang on just a minute here. If Kirby had known the whole time-

”Wait, are you telling me you’ve known about magic shit this whole time, but you made me go out into the woods in a wookie costume pretending to be bigfoot instead? When you knew the real deal existed!?” Ned’s annoyance over that bit of information briefly overpowers his apprehension for what’s going on.

Kirby flinches back slightly at his yelling as he tries to clean the mess around his mouth off with his sleeve. ”Um, yeah? It was for a good cause?” He tries.

Ned isn’t buying it. And what kind of magical creature was he anyway if he was scared of a human. Or pretending to be scared. Ned has known Kirby for a while at this point and he was a very honest type, if a bit sleazy when it came to business. It was part of the reason Ned tolerated him. But now suddenly he’s learned the guy had been keeping a giant, potentially very dangerous secret from him. Ned feels like he doesn’t know Kirby at all right now. And if that isn’t a terrifying thought.

His feelings must show on his face because Kirby holds his hands in front of him in a placating gesture as he haltingly tries to make his case.

”Listen, please. I can explain.” There is a short pause as Kirby takes a deep breath that turns into am equally deep sigh. ”You weren’t supposed to find out about this. At least not at this point. It’s too early.” He tries to explain. 

Ned crosses his arms, urging Kirby to keep going with a stern look and a raised eyebrow. Now he wanted to know what the hell this was about. Too early his ass, he’d fought off at least two monsters at this point and had a magic toy gun, if anything it was about time the really deep secrets started unraveling themselves in this town. He was going to make Kirby spill the beans out of spite now. 

”Ok, so to answer one of your earlier questions. No, I’m not sylvan-”

”But you know what that is.” Ned interrupts him. 

Kirby sighs again before he continues. ”Yes, I know about Sylvaine and its inhabitants. But I’m not, part of that whole show. I’m from, somewhere else. Somewhere that you can’t know about yet.” He hastily adds the last part before Ned can badger him into telling Ned the name or location of the place.

Ned considers what he’d just been told. Kirby wasn’t human. He sure as hell looked and acted like one though. 

”Is that your true form?” He asks in an attempt at staving off the incoming panic, waving his finger at kirby where he’s standing in front of the desk. Shit, Kirby wasn’t human. 100 percent confirmed. Fuck.

Kirby gives him a look as if he’s debating how much he’s willing to say. His eyes darting all over the place as he fidgets. ”No, this is not my real form. And before you ask, yes I do conceal it in the same manner the beings from Sylvane does. I just have to be a little more discreet about it, so they don’t find me and try to, um, get rid off me.” 

As he says this he lifts his right leg up and pulls up his pant leg. Around his ankle is a simple silver chain. it’s so thin it barely catches any light. It really is discreet, Ned had never even noticed it. But wait time to back up.

”Wait, get rid of you? What the hell could you do to piss them off that bad?” Ned legitimately wants to know. Kirby looks like he could maybe hurt a fly if he really put his mind to it, and even then it was only maybe. Ned suddenly really hopes Kirby’s not a secretly crazy mass murdering maniac.

”Well, um you see, it’s not as much about whatever I’ve done something or not. As it’s more like they really really don’t like what I am and the place I come from?” The end of his sentence turns up into a question, as if Kirby realises how that is not a very helpful answer at all and isn’t sure if Ned will accept it. 

Ned does, though he isn’t going to make any judgements until he knows if that animosity is grounded in history or just a bunch of people being pricks.

”So you’re telling me, that the sylvans are xenophobic to whatever place you crawled out of.” He says in lieu of voicing his thoughts. Good going Ned.

”Um, kind of?” Kirby’s hands are clasped together now, his fingers fidgeting. ”Ok. So you know how how where there is light there is dark, and if there is a force there is always an equal opposing force and stuff?”

”uh-huh.” Ned has no idea what Kirby is rambling about but he nods along anyways. Like, he gets the basic physics stuff, he just doesn’t know what that has to do with Sylvaine and wherever Kirby is apparently from.

Kirby seems to notice though, he sighs a third time, this time the frustration bleeding through the nervousness. ”See, I told you it was too early, I should’ve been more careful. Damn it.” 

He seems to steels himself, determined to get through this explanation so Ned could understand. Ned can’t fault him for that, but he feels like this situation is turning into one of those classic ’Every question answered just creates 3 more question ed infineum’ type of situations. Kirby continues his attempt at an explanation.

”Well, Sylvain and the other place is kind of like that. And as of all fiction since, ever, has taught us, dark is the bad side. Even if it’s necessary to balance out the light. Everyone hates it, hates that it’s needed, because they don’t want it to taint their perfect bright shiny world. And that’s why they hate things like me.” 

Kirby points at himself as he says that. A look of frustration and apprehension on his face now. He clearly had opinions about the whole thing. It was like he expected Ned to join in on the hate train now that the situation had been explained to him. Ned considers his own history and snorts, if anything he was a very good friend to dark and shadowy places. ”So what are you then? Some kind of demon?” 

Ned is suddenly reminded of the tar-hell animal skin wearing monster they’d fought in the cave. God if felt like forever ago now. But that thing hadn’t seemed sentient, though both it and Kirby apparently were fond of black goo.

”I- No I’m not a demon. Or at least not- I am just me?” Kirby tries. He clearly doesn’t want to tell Ned.

”No Kirby.” He replies deadpan. That was not going to work for him.

”I’m not going to tell you what I am Ned, I can’t reveal it now. It’ll mess everything up. Well, even more than it already is.” Kirby seems determined to end the game of 20 questions here as he laughs nervously. Ned wonders if he can just yank ankle bracelet off and then let whatever happens happen. He’s pretty sure that Kirby isn’t dangerous though, at least not to him. At least not at the moment.

Kirby gives Him a look that says don’t you dare when he catches Ned looking down, defensively pulling his leg back.

”Listen, I can’t tell you what I am, but I can tell you some things I can do if that will make you leave it alone.”

Oh, that was a good idea. If Kirby had any useful talents he could bully him into using them for work around the Cryptonomica. But only if they were useful. Ned nods at Kirby in agreement; he gives Ned information on his abilities and in exchange Ned will be less nosy.

”Okay, I guess it’s only fair since that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. You really took me by surprise coming in to the store Ned.” Ned feels like Kirby was trying to joke a little with him there, trying to lighten the mood. Ned goes along with it. He doesn't think he can handle more intensity today anyways.

”Yeah what the hell was that black ooze anyways?” He shoots back.

”I- okay how do I explain this in a simple manner.” Kirby’s brows furrow as he thinks, then he kind of looks at Ned like he’s trying to judge how Ned might react to what he’s about to say.

”I ate some of Agent Stern’s memories.” He lets out finally. Ned blinks. 

Holy shit he had been right about something being weird about Stern when they met on the parking lot. Suck on that, anti paranoia thoughts.

”You... Ate, some of his... Memories. And how exactly does that happen?” 

Why did it happen he thinks. Hopefully it wasn’t a hobby of Kirby’s to go around and eat parts of people’s minds. His train of thought takes a sharp turn into nope territory at that. 

What if he had taken memories from Ned?

”It’s one of my abilities,” Kirby continues. ”I can alter or take someone’s memories. It manifests as a ball of dark matter, and then I eat it. that’s what I was doing when you walked in.”  
He seems pretty embarrassed about it but Ned isn’t really paying attention to what Kirby is saying anymore. There was a very sudden and very unwelcome thought running though his mind. The jovial atmosphere they’d tentatively managed to build up drops into minus degrees at a snap as Ned reels at it.

He thinks all of his memories are intact, but then again that’s the whole point of erasing a memory isn’t it, you never knew if it had there or not. There was no way to tell if something was missing.

Kirby must’ve noticed the change in atmosphere, quickly trying to justify himself to Ned. ”It seemed like he was really starting to bother you and you were really mad at me so I thought I’d try and fix it. But I couldn’t exactly completely erase his memory of the tape because his department would notice right away that something was up and then they’d all come here like vultures and I-”

He must think Ned is angry about the ethical part of messing with a person’s mind. Specifically Agent Stern’s it seemed. He’s rambling on and on about his thought process and how he’s never been great at dealing with people so he sort of panicked. Ned’s mind makes a snap decision, and he fears what that decision is going to lead him.

”Kirby, I need to tell the rest of The Pineguard about this.” Ned interrupts the younger man’s rambling. Or maybe Kirby wasn’t younger at all. Shit, it was like everything had been flipped upside down with them now.  
”What no, you can’t tell them! Especially not Barkley, he’ll kill me!” Kirby exclaims as he steps forward and Ned immediately takes a few steps backwards. Kirby freezes mid-step and a look of genuine hurt crosses his face at Ned’s reaction to him. Ned refuses to feel bad for him. Kirby might not be physically dangerous, but memory alteration and removal was a terrifying power. 

Ned knows for a fact that if he had that kind of power he’d have misused the shit out of it. And more than once he’d thought about how similar Kirby could be to him. What was the proof that Kirby wasn’t misusing it. Where was the proof that what had just happened to Agent Stern was the exception and not the rule.

”Ned, please. If the sylvanians find out about this they’re going to kill me, I’m nothing but another monster to them. Please don’t-”

”And what proves to me that you aren’t?” Ned interrupts. Kirby looks like he’d just been slapped. His mouth working open and closed but no words coming out. His hands hanging uselessly at his sides. But Ned needed to know. He couldn’t just let Kirby be like this if he might be hurting people.

They stand there, locked in by the tension and Ned’s apprehension. Kirby’s shoulders are drawn up and he takes a step back. Ned really hopes he hasn’t just landed himself in Kirby’s dinner plans.

”Kirby,” He tries. ”I can’t just leave this alone, I’ve got obligations and shit to The Pineguard. You have to understand that.”

Kirby looks like he’s about to cry. Ned refuses to feel bad for him. This was too dangerous for just Ned to make a decision, not that Ned had ever been good with making those.

Then it’s like a bubble gets popped. Kirby’s body language completely changes as he goes back to his usual bored and slightly hunched over stance. His hands sliding into the pocket on his hoodie. He looks at the floor for a few seconds, considering. Ned feels his veins turn to ice. So it had just been an act after all. The fear fake, an attempt to win Ned over. But what did that mean for Ned. Was Kirby going to kill him. God he didn’t want to die, especially if it was by Kiry’s hand. How lame would that be.

Kirby lifts his head and looks Ned dead in the eyes.

”Where there is light there is always dark. The light will never accept the shadow it casts. I really thought you of all people would get it, with your history. But in the end you really are a good fit for The Pinegiard. Figures.”

There is a voice in Ned’s head. A voice that is screaming at him to run. That he should already be running. That he should’ve gotten the fuck out of there yesterday.

It’s the same feeling he’d gotten from that animal ooze monster they’d fought. 

God, that felt like so long ago now. And now there was a new even more terrifying monster in front of him. 

He doesn’t get the chance to think anything more. Kirby is coming at him, stalking like some kind of predator and Ned would laugh if it wasn’t pants shitting terrifying. He turns and tries to gun it out the front door but he only manages to take about 4 steps before he suddenly freezes, mid step. What in the shit is the only thought that makes it past the primal panic in his mind as a hand grabs him by the collar of his shirt and throws him back. He lands on the floor with a loud thud and he lets out a curse because that hurt like fucking hell. Then Kirby is on top of him, his hands grabbing him on the sides of his head, framing Ned’s face. Ned doesn’t move, has no idea what the hell just happened and he doesn’t want to find out what other fucked up abilities this monster has. Because this was a monster that was leaning over him right now.

Kirby’s face looks vaguely sad, like he’d just read Ned’s mind and was hurt by his new title. Ned wonders if he can hurt Kirby enough to let go of Ned just by thinking mean things at him. Which, if Kirby could fuck with people’s memories, then what was there saying he couldn’t read minds as well. Shit, Ned really hoped Kirby couldn’t read minds. there were so many things in his head that he was determined to take with him to the grave. Which might be way sooner than later.

There is a thumb stroking him lightly over one of his cheekbones. The sensation sends chills up Ned’s spine and he can feel goosebumps break out on his arms. Kirby sighs where he’s seated on top of Ned, their difference in size more obvious than ever. Ned should easily be able to throw Kirby off of him, but his body is frozen in place. He’s sure that it’s somehow Kirby’s doing. And what exactly was Kirby doing anyways?

He’s looking at Ned, a melancholy expression on his face. His fingers lightly brushing through Ned’s hair. Then, he speaks. Ned prays that he isn’t about to hear the last words in his life, because he’d always had an image of him going out with some cool one-liner while saving the day. What was happening right now couldn’t be further from that. Ned can’t even speak, his lips as paralysed as the rest of his body. 

”I’m sorry, I told you it was too early for you to know about this, Ned. But you’ve always been so nosy. So persistent.” Kirby says it like it’s something good and bad at the same time. Ned wonders how the hell Kirby’s charade of a awkward young adult even came about, it was a completely different person to the creature that had him pinned in the present. 

Ned tries to open his mouth so he can talk back, tries not to show his surprise when he’s able to this time. 

”Fuck you Kirby, you did all that cowering earlier but this is what you planned all along wasn’t it.” Ned feels a little proud of himself that his fear didn’t show in his voice. Small victories.  
Kirby’s hands leave Ned’s hair. His chin being supported by the right hand as the left arm goes to holds up his right. He’s making a thoughtful noise, like he’s pretending to think it over, then he looks back at Ned.

”Yeah, maybe. If you’d agreed to keep my secret I might’ve left you alone. But since you’ve decided to go and tattle to your little friends over at Amnesty Lodge, I don’t really have much of a cliche here.” He doesn’t seem very sorry about it thought, the little shit.

”So that’s it, you’re just going to erase everything?” If Ned could move anything other than his mouth he would definitely be throwing fists right now. The rage was starting to boil and melt the icy fear that had frozen his veins earlier.

”Oh, don’t be dramatic Ned. I’m just going to erase this encounter. Relax, you won’t even miss it.”

Because you’re about to fucking eat it! Ned wants to scream in Kirby’s face. He tries to, but he can’t move his mouth is unmovable once more, the words lodging themselves in his throat.

”Okay, that’s enough talking. Time to wrap it up Ned, I still have work to do on my magazine and I’m sure you have very important Pineguard things to attend to.”

What, what was he-

There is the soft press of lips against his forehead, it takes Ned a while to process that Kirby’s just kissed him, takes a bit longer to accept the fact. He’s on the brink of flipping his shit because he just got kissed by a freaking monster- but then he feels a hand cover his mouth and his world goes dark.

Ned blinks his eyes open. He’s staring up at the roof of the Cryptonomica. His face pinches as he tries to figure out how he’d ended up on the couch in the back room. He sits up and looks at the clock, it was getting pretty late in the evening. He can hear the distant tapping of fingers on a keyboard from the store. So Kirby must still be here then. Good, Ned had some words he wanted to tell the guy. Some very not kind words. He walks quickly though the back room into the Cryptonomica front store. 

Sure enough, Kirby is at his desk, typing away about whatever cryptid stuff had most recently caught his interest. Empty fast food wrappers were still on the desk.

Right, Kirby had been eating that when he’d walked in. And then he’d been choking on it. And then-

Ned couldn’t remember what had happened next. One moment he’d been hitting Kirby on the back, the next he’d woken up on a sofa. What the hell.

As Ned stands there in confusion Kirby notices him. Pursuing his typing and getting up to meet Ned where he’s standing.

”Hey there Ned, how you feeling?” He asks.

How was he feeling? Mostly confused. And tired. Like, really freaking tired. Like once he realised how tired he was he couldn’t think about anything else levels of tired.

”Uh, I’m good?” He says. ”Tired, but good. Had a long day.” He adds as an afterthought.

”Oh, that’s good. Must’ve been why you took that impromptu nap after saving me from choking on burger earlier.”

That made sense. Ned feels like that’s something he’d do, even if he can’t recall it. Though this wasn’t exactly the first time he woke up not knowing what he’d done right before going to sleep.

”Right, you’re welcome for that by the way. Also I have some words for you tomorrow because I’m too tired to rip you a new one right now but I also want you dread it. You deserve it after what you’ve done.”

It’s like watching the hackles on a dog raise as Kirby tenses up. ”What’d I do!?” He whines, clearly he didn’t expect the conversation to go in this direction.

”You are the reason the FBI agent is here harassing me is what you did!” Ned gives Kirby a smug smile when he flusters. Yeah that’s right. Fear the consequences of your actions little man.

”But you already yelled at me for that!” Kirby argues. Ned cuts Kirby off before he can keep protesting.

”I’m going to my apartment now, I’ll see you tomorrow and you better not be hiding from me because I will find you. Night Kirby.” He nonchalantly waves to the younger man as he walks back through the door. Kirby calls out a reluctant ‘night’ to him as well, then Ned is finally headed towards an actual bed.

Ned really hated busy days.

**Author's Note:**

> If Griffin is planning on Amnesty to be as balls off the walls epic as Balance then I REFUSE to believe that Kirby is just going to be a normal human. Y'all can fight me on this.
> 
> (English isn't my first language so all spelling/grammar/formatting mistakes are mine rip.)
> 
> ((Just to be clear I wrote this when 8 episodes were out and I'd only listened to 6 of them afgadgfrdg))


End file.
